The Changing Shape of Family
Life will inevitably change.
It is right there in the Book of Life directions. (Wouldn’t that book be nice?)
As I have aged, I have been committed to doing the work so I can better accept that life changes and with that the shape of our family changes.
That was clearly presented to me, in a few ways, the last several years and none more clearly than this past Labor Day weekend, when my husband, our family and I gathered to say goodbye to his dad.
Up until now and finding ourselves in the latter half of our sixties, my husband and I have been blessed to have not yet had to experience the passing of a parent.
A rarity and one we did not take for granted.
Our children, now adults with their own families, have never had to say goodbye to a grandparent.
Our two grandchildren did not know their great grandfather due to distance and health issues, but what a gift that they came into the world with great grandparents to welcome them.
So, there we were, gingerly walking on the steppingstones of grief and witnessing the new shape of our family take place.
I like to have a plan. I like to make sure that I am ready for whatever life throws my way and I guess, well, I KNOW, that’s a control issue. I own it and am continually working on it.
And no matter how prepared you think you are; you cannot really prepare yourself for when a parent is gone.
It’s a kind of grief that I am experiencing in my own way, and I am also paying close attention to how my family is walking through it.
Some are keeping extremely busy.
Some are a bit paralyzed.
Some share when they are sad, and some choose to keep their grief very private.
All ways are OK.
Learning to respect how everyone grieves differently is a lesson on patience, respect and I think…great love.
There is no easy way around it and there is no right or wrong way. We will all get there when we get there.
Meanwhile, the love and support of our little family and watching our kids and grandkids bring the playful memories of being on my father in law’s favorite lake at his lake home felt like such a gift.
I believe- a gift from him.
He would have loved those moments that are surely part of his legacy.
He also gave us a rare opportunity for our family to be together in a place that brought joy and a place to let our own individual grieving land in a safe place.
The changing shape of a family can be delightful.
Marriages, births and all that come with adding more to a family. Our son-in-law and daughter-in-law and our grandchildren have added a richness to our family that I could have never imagined. I am so grateful for the ones that altered our shape in the very best ways.
But it is painful when the shape is altered by a missing piece.
Both require acknowledging the emotions of the new shape, whether beautiful or sad. And both require knowing that it will change again because the shape of families and life is always in motion.
One of my favorite poets, Cleo Wade says, “Life will change you or you can change with life.”
For me, I choose to dance with the beautiful changes and to allow myself and those I love, rest, understanding and patience in the difficult ones.
Until next time,
Keep Blooming, friends,
Pam